


Drafts

by skyscapes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Author has a grudge against time differences and it shows, Bedsharing, Epistolary, Getting (Back) Together, Hinata Shouyou as a plot device, IwaOi writing letters they never send, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Unsent letters, minor matsuhana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29320701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyscapes/pseuds/skyscapes
Summary: Iwaizumi and Oikawa break up before they both leave for the other side of the world.These are the things they don't say.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 18
Kudos: 51
Collections: Iwaoi Server Valentine Exchange 2021





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lemonpuree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonpuree/gifts).



> [ playlist! ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/49hu7IqJWM2bdUROjUvtlw?si=588aeb78b18c4a30)
> 
> A few notes on formatting:  
> \- The letters are from Iwaizumi's perspective, the voice notes are from Oikawa's  
> \- The times of each entry are based off which timezone each of them are in. So for Iwa's section, the time shows the time it is in Irvine, while Oikawa's show the time in San Juan
> 
> [edit] I just noticed that ao3 removed a bunch of details like strikethroughs and underlines :( not really sure how to fix that yet, but i'm working on it! Everything is still readable despite that though! 
> 
> Hey!!
> 
> I was super excited to write this for you (especially after seeing the words "mutual pining" lmao) and I hope you like it!! I feel like I should apologize for how long this got... I didn't plan for it to get anywhere this wordy but things just *vague hand gesture* and here we are. Nevertheless, I hope this fic matches your expectations, and that you enjoy reading it!!
> 
> Happy Iwaoi Valentine's!! <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i won't ask you to wait if you don't ask me to stay

**12 August 2014, 3.00PM**

Tooru,

So.

I’m writing this on the plane. Someone had left behind a notepad— the cheap kind, won’t be missed— and well, I’m bored. 

Also... I can’t stop thinking. 

Is it weird that I want to talk to you about this? If it was anyone else I would have, but you can’t talk about your breakup with the person you’ve broken up with. That doesn’t make sense. 

I don’t like keeping things from you. 

I’ve never kept anything from you. 

Just this. Just for now. We’re still us, isn’t that what you said? We’re still us, you're still my best friend. Dumbass. That’s what matters. 

You’re my best friend. I don’t need to write you letters. 

But you’re always causing me trouble, aren’t you?

**Saved voice note - 12.8.2014, 5.42 PM**

I almost called you today Iwa-chan! 

But then I didn’t because… because well, things are _different_ now. At least, they’re supposed to be. I think… that was why we… the break, I mean! That was why we did it. And it’s still so… so _soon,_ you know? I mean, I still call you anyway but… I should probably tone it down. Give you some space to recover. Let things settle before everything’s back to normal.

But even if I didn’t think I should call you, it also felt strange _not_ to… so I’m recording this. On my phone. Pretending I’m talking to you. Sounds like I’ve lost it? <a short burst of laughter> Something like that, maybe. 

It’s just a recording. Practically voicemail! Almost no difference really— I leave you those all the time and you _never_ reply to any of them… 

<a pause>

Well… I guess you listen to them, at least. 

<a pause>

I’m calling to… I was going to call to tell you about this restaurant in my neighbourhood. The owner is Japanese. Today’s special is agedashi tofu. 

We should go someday.

<recording ended>

**14 August 2014, 6.00PM**

Tooru, 

I moved into my dorm today. My roommate is from Los Angeles. He has a strange voice… it’s sort of drawn out. Like he’s rolling the words around on his tongue before he speaks them. I have to ask him to repeat stuff sometimes. I hope I can get used to it. 

He’s a fine arts major. I never really understood that stuff, but you did. All that… literature. Stories. Heroes. Like those damn aliens you wouldn’t shut up about when you were a kid. Or that American book series you were obsessed with a couple years ago… I can’t remember what it was called, but you told me you hated the movies. 

I think you and Kevin (that’s my roommate) would get along. He’s really smart. He can speak greek. And he’s learning latin. I’ll introduce you. I forgot to do that when we called but, I will. 

Have you met your teammates yet?

Do you still

Fuck.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. 

We just spoke. This is stupid. 

Not that you’d know, but I’m still using that notepad from the plane. It fell out when I was unpacking and I saw the first letter I wrote and… yeah. You can guess how that went. 

I’m not even sure why I held onto this damn thing. 

Talk to you tomorrow. 

**Saved voice note - 20.8.2014, 3.20AM**

_God._ We really need to figure out the time differences thing, Iwa-chan. My poor neighbour… she’s _ancient_ , almost, and I might have scared her half to death when the Godzilla theme started blaring out at three in the morning… <a chuckle>

I’m… glad you called though. I was scared you wouldn’t. I thought that maybe… you’re all the way _there_ and because of how we left things… you might have wanted… distance? Time? But you called! And I’m glad you did Iwa-chan. I’m glad we’re still… that everything is fine. We’re still fine. What a relief!

<he chuckles like an afterthought>

Ahhhh well… it’s kinda late here. I can’t sleep properly just yet, still jet lagged. You’re not the only one who can’t figure out time zones… But we’ll call tomorrow. I can’t text you just yet because my provider messed up… somewhere. I don’t really know what happened there. But I’ll call. 

Good night Iwa-chan! Oh— it’s probably what, seven, eight in Cali? Morning then.

Good morning Iwa-chan. Have a good day. 

<recording ended>

**1 September 2014, 10.00PM**

_To Shittykawa—_

_Since you wouldn’t shut up about a postcard. I got this from some souvenir store on campus. The building on it is one of the libraries. There’s a park too— most of the buildings surround it in a circle. It’s nice. People hang out there. Have picnics and stuff. Maybe when you visit, we can do something like that._

_With_

I’ve never sent you letters before, so I don’t really know how to sign it off. I was about to write “with love” but… you know… 

I probably would have written “with love” last year but now… that might be... weird, right? 

You were always so much better with words

Gah

I hate breakups. 

Whatever. I’m just sticking that thing inside this notebook for now. I’ll figure it out later. 

**Saved voice note - 2.9.2014, 10.01PM**

<a few seconds of silence, punctuated only with heavy breathing>

It will get better. Easier. I… I know you were busy when I called. But thanks for t-talking to me. I didn’t want to hang up and I _know_ you said it was fine but— <a loud sniff> I’ll just c-call you back later, yeah? I mean… I _get_ it. You have your own thing now… I have my own thing… W-we’re _adults_ now, y’know? So… so it’s fine! More than! Because you let me… even if it wasn’t for… for all that long… thanks Haji—

<a pause>

It _will_ get better. I want it to. So, _so,_ badly. 

<a pause>

Stupid. _Fucking_. Time zones. 

<recording ended>

**28 September 2014, 5.15PM**

Tooru—

It’s been a while since I wrote in this. I didn’t really have to. I think everything’s finally working out. 

Well. Not the time zones. We’re still… yeah. I think it’s just a good thing that neither of us are asleep when we’re supposed to be anyway. 

But we’re talking. You still send me at LEAST a hundred messages a day. And at least half of those are those dumb LINE stickers. Still leave your voicemails even though I’ve told you not to. 

But I’m

But it’s not like I m

It’s okay because

Whatever. Guess I’m not going to be writing in this anymore. So long. Talk to you soon. 

(Real soon. You’re calling me right now.)

**Saved voice note - 30.9.2014, 5.34PM**

Tell Iwa-chan about what Mateo said at practice. Um… cousin in California, father specialises in sports science, said he can get in touch. Don’t forget!

Hey Siri! Set a reminder for— ah shit, the recording. 

**13 October 2014, 11.04PM**

SHIT I completely forgot I put that postcard in here. It’s been a while…

I’m still not sure how to sign off. I want it to seem natural and normal and us without this… stupid. Whatever feeling. Post-breakup feeling. Except we’re not even properly broken up because we decided to break up and we’re still friends so it’s like nothing’s changed but I don’t know how to sign off this stupid fucking postcard.

FUCK.

**Saved voice note - 15.10.2014, 2.23AM**

So… I l-lied. Just a… <sniffs> just a little. 

<a quiet whimpering noise>

<one sob falls first. There is a pause, like a holding of breath, before they cascade relentlessly>

_Fuck._

<recording ended>

**Saved voice note - 15.10.2014, 2.27AM**

<quietly, barely audible>

Okay… so…

<he speaks slowly, like every breath is a battle>

No one ever… no one ever _tells_ you. You can practice Spanish on Duolingo for a year, and still sound like a foreigner. They drive on the wrong side of the street. That it’s like everyone knows some secret you don’t, something you’ll never know. 

Argentina is… very far from home.

I wonder sometimes if I made the wrong choice, but then I remember you. You told me to go on without hesitation, without stopping. 

I left a lot of things behind. But then there was… then there was… 

<a deep breath, a low exhale>

Leaving _you._

And that was the hardest part. The fact that you’re not here with me. That you don’t _know,_ and I can’t just… I can’t just tell you because you have your own life that _I_ don’t know about. So that leaves me here, talking to a ghost. Confessing to no one. 

This is the first time you don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m not sure who to blame for that. 

<recording ended>

**26 October 2014, 9.46PM**

I miss you sometimes. 

**26 October 2014, 9.50PM**

The boba here sucks. I don’t understand how people eat this stuff. If you were here you wouldn’t give me any peace over it. Whining about how it’s just “not right”. Typical. 

**26 October 2014, 10.14PM**

Hey Tooru. It’s never been hard to talk to you before. 

I’ve never had to ask you how your day was— I was there _._ And we’re both apparently really, really bad at small talk. 

Honestly, it’s kinda embarrassing to even be writing these things. Like what, is this some fucking shojou manga??

I miss you sometimes. Should I miss you more? I’m sorry. America is… a lot. It’s big and busy and loud. It thinks it’s the only place in the world. Sometimes it makes you think that too. So I miss you sometimes. I miss you when we call and it’s quiet for a moment before you ask me how classes are going. I miss you when I have to think twice before I text you. Or don’t text you sometimes. 

But I don’t miss you when I wake up, when I walk to class, when I go out with my friends here. 

It scares me. You feel so distant. It scares me that you might only miss me sometimes too. 

**Saved voice note - 2.11.2014, 8.59PM**

Well. That was not ideal. 

<a sigh>

I think it was my fault. The wifi in my apartment is... shitty. Temperamental. Flighty. Your face was really blurry and the audio kept breaking up… it was exhausting. We should probably just stick to phone calls. For now, at least. 

I told you we can keep trying. I didn’t hear what you said after that. 

<silence aside from the distant growl of traffic>

You know… I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a _tiny_ bit relieved. 

<a pause>

You’ve changed. I… I can tell. But for once I really don’t want to be proved right. 

<recording ended>

**13 November 2014, 8.54PM**

There was a game today. Kev and I went to watch. Someone told me that our setter was a national team hopeful. Made sense— he was good.

I saw the Argentinian roster for the Olympics online. You didn’t tell me about it yet. Don’t blame you. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. 

You’ll get your

You can

Remember why you’re there Tooru. Remember why you left. 

It will be worth it. You’ll make it worth it. I know you. 

**Saved voice note - 21.10.2014, 4.12PM**

You know, I don’t think I can—

<giggling>

I don’t think I— <a loud burst of laughter> your _accent_ Iwa-chan. You have a goddamn _American accent_ now, and I just… I… what are they _doing_ to you, oh my _god!_

<a few seconds of laughter>

I have to record that next time. Give me some warning won’t you? How else am I supposed to embarrass you now that you’re so far away… 

<a pause>

I always liked your voice Iwa-chan. Do you… do you remember how I’d call you in the mornings? I’d go out for a run and call you on the way home. I’d usually wake you up then— ha! You sounded so sleepy over the phone… your voice it… it was lower, but softer than it usually was. I never told you this, but I loved hearing it. That’s why I kept calling you— your voice as soon as you wake up. 

<a pause>

It’s blurry around the edges these days. The memory of your voice, that is. I remember how it felt more than I remember how it sounded. 

<a pause>

That sounds important, doesn’t it?

<recording ended>

**25 November 2014, 12.09AM**

Tooru… I know we promised to stay the same. 

But we’ve changed. You’ve changed. And I’m happy for you, I’m so happy for you. When you talk about practice, about your new team… your voice just… I don’t know how to explain it. But it feels like you’re right next to me, your eyes shining and your hands flapping around my face to get me to look at you.

I’m always paying attention to you. Even when you’re miles away. Even when you’re five hours ahead. I’m still 

But there are some things I can’t do Tooru. I’m writing this here because I’m too scared to tell you. I’m scared that you’ll get angry, you’d snap. Or you’d be upset and try to pretend you’re fine. 

Or you wouldn’t say anything at all. That we wouldn’t have anything left to say to each other. 

It does feel like that sometimes, if I’m being honest. We call and there are just these pauses. I can hear you moving around. Sometimes you’re talking to people. I’m sure it’s the same for you. I’m usually walking back from class or doing homework when you call. 

It’s not even the sad kind of silence, it’s just… really awkward. Kinda like we’re both wondering “why did I even call you again?” 

What if you stopped calling? 

What if I didn’t pick up? 

**Saved voice note - 26.10.2014, 6.10PM**

<a long pause>

You… didn’t pick up Iwa-chan. 

You almost always do, even if I screw up and call you in the middle of the night. You always… even if you’re half asleep you always say _something._

I just… 

<a pause>

I just hope everything’s alright. I’m worried but… it can’t be anything too bad, right? Maybe you’re just bogged down with school work. Or maybe you… 

<a groan>

I don’t— I’ve never _not known_ Iwa-chan! I’ve never not known what’s up with you, or what you’re thinking or… or… if something’s bothering you or… I’ve always known! I’ve always known _you,_ but now I suddenly just don’t. Suddenly I’m in the dark and you barely seem to even… to even care and…

Maybe it shouldn’t bother me this much. But it does! What the _fuck_ am I suppsoed to do with that?

<a soft beep>

<a pause>

So it _was_ the homework. 

<the sound of typing>

I don’t know why you had to text me that instead of just answering your phone. 

I’m not mad at you I promise… I’m just— ARGH!!

**26 November 2014, 6.10PM**

Fuck. 

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Tooru. I just. I just couldn’t and I’m sorry. I don’t know if there’s any point writing that in a letter I won’t send. Maybe I can only say it if I know you can’t hear. 

I couldn’t have said it if I called. (Couldn’t have lied, that is.) You would have known, the way you always did. 

I’m a coward. I’m a coward and and I’m so, so, fucking sorry. 

**Saved voice note - 26.10.2014, 6.11PM**

<a sigh>

Well… whatever. It’s okay Iwa-chan. 

I’ll call you again tomorrow. 

<recording ended>

**26 November 2014, 6.11PM**

Is this what you wanted all along? 

Maybe it really is better this way. 

**Saved voice note - 29.10.2014, 1.46AM**

Hey Iwa-chan. Been a while. 

<silence, apart from the hum of traffic and the muffled sound of some upbeat music>

I… didn’t call you. It’s childish but… I was hoping that you’d… call first.

<a pause>

We went out today. The team. Ended up drinking a little too much… well, probably not that much. I just haven’t drunk anything in a while so… a little unsteady, little unsteady. That’s all. 

I was gonna call you— swear! Things just… got in the way… 

I’m sure _you_ know how it is… that’s why you haven’t said anything, right?

<a distant voice calls out something unintelligible>

“Callate, Matteo! Estaba en una llamada...”

<recording ended>

**16 December 2014, 7.18PM**

I think today marks two weeks since we last actually spoke. 

Yay.

That’s gotta be a new record for us. 

I’ve been writing though. Pages and pages. Burnt my way through most of that notebook. At first I thought that I’d stop when the notebook ran out but… well. I ended up getting a new one. To write in. To write letters to you. Instead of talking. 

Yeah… that’s fucked up. 

I wonder what they think of us now. I mean… we never really said anything about what happened before leaving, right? I think that they all still think we’re together, that nothing’s changed. Makki asks me about you sometimes. Said he was talking to you the other day— which means he’s already more qualified to answer that question than I am. 

Hey, did you know that Makki and Mattsun got their own apartment in Tokyo? 

Do you think that could have been us Tooru? 

If we stayed?

**16 December 2014, 7.22PM**

I still have that postcard, by the way. You might have forgotten about it. 

Still haven’t figured out how to sign it off. I don’t think I can write it. But it doesn’t feel right to write anything else. 

It’s like if I said it when I called you, it would feel like I was just pretending. Like I was just saying it because it’s what I would have said if it’s what I used to say. 

It’s like I can only tell you what I really think if I’m writing it in here. You’d call it irony. 

I love you Tooru. Still. I love you still.

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.08PM**

Maybe it was too good to be true, y’know what I mean?

Because I _had_ you Iwa-chan. As much as any person can have someone else. And you were… you were kind of perfect, honestly. 

<a soft, sad laugh>

I… was it too much? Was it too much to want other things… want them so much that I tried to mess with what we had? 

No… that’s not it… how do I put this...

<a pause>

**21 December 2014, 2.08AM**

“I want all of you. All, or none.”

I think about that a lot. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.10PM**

I said I wanted all of you and I fucking _meant it._ I can’t… I don’t think I’d be happy with pieces, Iwa-ch— Hajime. What we had was so… so special. I didn’t think I could live with a watered-down version of it. 

I thought maybe. Maybe if we were just friends. 

But then we crash landed on the other side of the world. Shattered in slow motion— so slow that we didn’t realize what had happened until we cut ourselves on broken pieces. 

And there’s so much… guilt, I think it is. For me, at least. Keeps me up sometimes. What if you hadn’t gone along with me? What if I said something different? What if I hadn’t said anything at all? 

It’s driving me half insane. I mean just _look_ at what I’m doing right now. Too scared to call you up and ask you how you’re doing, because what if the answer is _fine._

I wanted things to be perfect. I just… I thought it would be for the best. Stupid. If it was going to end like this anyway, I wish we’d at least promised ourselves it wouldn’t. Wish I’d kissed you and said it would be perfect. Wish I’d allowed the distance to let us down gently, so it wouldn’t be either of our faults. 

So I wouldn’t have to keep wondering where I went wrong. 

**21 December 2014, 2.11AM**

“Iwa-chan, let’s end this.”

I miss you sometimes, and when I do, that’s what I hear. 

You were looking off to the side, like you were focusing on some point I couldn’t see. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.15PM**

<a quiet sniff>

I could barely look at you. I was scared and I… if I looked at you I knew I would lose my nerve. 

**21 December 2014, 2.15AM**

I wasn’t expecting it then, but maybe I should have seen it coming.

You’re not the kind to settle. Not the kind to take risks you don’t think would pay off. Sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever be satisfied. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.16PM**

You asked me if I didn’t want this. If I didn’t want _you._

In case you’re wondering Iwa-chan, yes, I do remember it perfectly— word for word. It’s you, after all. That shouldn’t be a surprise. 

You asked me if I didn’t want you, and my heart broke right then. How was it even possible to _not_ want you? You were… _are…_ everything to me. I was trying to protect you, protect what we had even if… 

**21 December 2014, 2.16AM**

That’s when you said it. “I want all of you, or none.”

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.17PM**

I wouldn’t blame you if you…

<his voice shakes>

I wouldn’t blame you if you… hated me, a little.

**21 December 2014, 2.18AM**

And I love you for that. I love the way you love things so much you would never accept anything less in return. Even if it hurts you. Even if it meant I wasn’t enough back then. Even if it means I’m not enough now, because you’ve always wanted more than anyone thought was humanly possible. 

And I love you for that, even now. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.19PM**

I know we promised to stay the same. That we’d still be best friends, no matter what. I thought we could make it work. 

But for the first time, you weren’t something I was certain about. I knew I hurt you when we broke up. We’re on thin ice. Typing out texts and deleting them. Recording a one-sided conversation because all the hurt and distance and guilt make honesty so damn _hard._

<a long pause, when he speaks, his voice is quiet>

If I don’t call, if I don’t talk to you, I can pretend nothing’s happened. I can pretend you’re still the Iwa-chan I’d spill my heart out to without a second thought. 

**21 December 2014, 2.20AM**

I don’t think I ever let go. It’s been a month since we last spoke. I’m still holding onto you. To what I knew of you. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.20PM**

You’ve changed so _much._ And I have no idea who you are anymore. I have no idea who you are _now._ It’s all I can do to cling onto what I used to know, onto who we used to be. 

I know I’m talking to someone who doesn’t exist anymore. All these recordings… well.. They’re not really for the you in America, now are they?

Because I don’t know that you. 

I know the you that switched off the gym lights to make sure I got home on time. I know the you that caught beetles in empty jam jars, only to set them free because everyone deserves a chance at life. I know the you that gave me a nosebleed to tell me I wasn’t alone, because there were always six people on the court, that you would always have my back. 

I don’t know the real you anymore Iwa-chan. 

But let me pretend. 

**21 December 2014, 2.20AM**

I wanted to say something back then.

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.20PM**

And it’s not like you tried to stop me. 

**21 December 2014, 2.21AM**

I wanted to say that you were wrong. That I would do anything— no matter how hard, no matter how distant, no matter how many hours there were between us. I would do anything to make sure you knew just how much you were loved. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.21PM**

I know I can be a lot. I know I can be too much. I wouldn’t blame you for realizing I was more than you could give. 

**21 December 2014, 2.22AM**

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I knew the only reason I would stop you would be for my own selfishness. 

There was a new life for you in Argentina. The kind of future you had always wanted. I would never do anything to keep you from that. And if you were telling me that we needed to end this because of all that… 

Well, I’d do anything for you. This was anything. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.23PM**

You’ve only ever wanted what was best for me, even when I hardly knew what that was. 

You’ve only ever given me… so much more than I could have asked for. 

And there I was, asking for one last sacrifice. 

So I don’t blame you, Iwa-chan, for making it. 

**21 December 2014, 2.23PM**

Sometimes I feel like I’m still eighteen. I feel like I’m still right where you left me. Like I haven’t moved since then, even as you went on ahead and never turned back.

You deserve everything you want Tooru. Everything you’ve worked so fucking hard for. I wish I could be there with you, with you every step of the way. But if this is as close as I can get— that’s okay. 

I’ll make my peace with it. 

**Saved voice note - 20.12.2014, 9.23PM**

You have your own life now. And I suppose… I have mine. You once told me to never stop moving forward. To keep going without hesitation. 

And I will. I promise. Even if you can hardly remember what I was like, or who we were, I’ll be someone you can be proud of. 

I’ll hold onto these memories of you for as long as I can. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That’s not something I’m going to forget. 

I think I will always be looking over my shoulder for you, Iwaizumi Hajime. 

<recording ended>

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and i know i've kissed you before, but i didn't do it right

**May 16 2017, 3.00PM**

Hey Tooru, 

My finals finished today. I guess I’m halfway through with college. And after that… we’ll see. 

It’s been three years, and four books of these letters. That’s… yeah. A lot. I never missed a day. I’ve seen Kev looking at them sometimes, and he gives me a really weird look. Like he’s just about to ask me about them. He never does though. Not really sure how I would explain… everything. 

Three years feel longer than they should. I’ve had a lifetime with you, nineteen years of being by your side in every way I could. First breath, first steps, first kiss. Every milestone somehow involved you as well. But these three years feel longer than any of that. It feels… I’m not sure how to explain, but let me try here.

We had always been something constant. These past three years were made of change, change, and more change. Uprooting and growing somewhere else, for the first time there was distance. I don’t miss you like I used to-- that same blinding, piercing ache I used to have. It feels like some kinda betrayal to admit this but for the most part… it’s easier than I thought it would be, to live without you. Takes some time, some practice, some learning. Or maybe unlearning. (Are they the same thing?) 

For the most part.

For the rest, it’s suffocating. Out of nowhere, there’s this big, gaping hole inside of me that’s shaped like you. There’s never been anyone else like you ‘kawa. It’s the kind of gap I wouldn’t even try to fill, because I know nothing will come close to doing so. 

Maybe I’ll just learn to live with that. Maybe even if it doesn’t completely disappear, it will get smaller. Less painful. Just takes some time. Some change. 

I don’t really know where this is going. Talk to you tomorrow. 

**Saved voice note - 18.5.2014, 6.03AM**

Good morning Iwa-chan! 

It’s pretty sunny today, but still not too hot. Perfect weather for a jog, which is what I’m doing now. 

<a pause, the beat of feet hitting the ground, soft off-key humming>

Oh! I didn’t tell you about Brazil, did I? We’re gonna be there for a week for a couple of friendly matches. We found out last night. I’m looking forward to it! It’s not my first series of away games, but Brazil’s a volleyball country. Home to some of the best teams, the most competitive leagues… I can’t wait to see that up close. They’re downright  _ dangerous.  _

That’s not to say we’re just gonna go down without a fight. We’re plenty dangerous too. 

<a laugh, sudden and bright>

The guys have taken to calling me  _ Toto. _ A diminutive, they said, for their little setter. 

<a sigh of faux irritation and genuine affection>

I’m the youngest on the team. And the third shortest-- aside from the libero. 

<a pause, the sound of feet on asphalt>

My team is strong. My hitters are powerful. They trust me to give them the best sets, to make them fly, make them  _ sing  _ on the court. 

You know, when I first got here, I could never reach the top shelves? Argentinians are quite a bit taller than Japanese. It’s only been three years… I’m taller now, stronger. And a little bit… less desperate. When I played in school, I don’t think I ever let myself breathe. I was playing catch up constantly. I don’t need to do that anymore. 

I’ve gotten stronger, Iwa-chan. I’m becoming what I’ve always wanted to be. 

<a pause, the footsteps stop for a moment, in the background there is the low snarl of traffic in a city that’s just waking up>

I think you’d be proud of me, Iwa-chan. 

I’m only just getting started. 

<recording ended>

**May 20 2017, 8.56PM**

Tooru--

Today’s been a  long day. You’d think I’d be free since the semester ended, right? Nope. Not. Even. Close. 

It’s still the internships I’ve been applying for all week. Filling out forms, writing essays, scanning documents… How do you even keep track of all this? I think I’ve applied to AT LEAST fifty programs by now. 

I’ve been trying to meet with Takashi Utsui-- he’s notoriously hard to get a hold of, but if I could… he’s really well known in the field. It would really help if I had a chance to work with him. He’s visiting Irvine for a few months, so I don’t have time to waste. 

I’ll keep you posted. 

**Saved voice note - 15.6.2017, 5.04PM**

<a long pause>

<a low chuckle>

Oh what the  _ hell.  _

<recording ended>

**June 16 2017, 2.04PM**

You saw WHO

In Brazil??? 

**Saved voice note - 15.6.2017, 7.05PM**

Well.

This has just been a night full of surprises, hasn’t it? 

<recording ended>

**June 16 2017, 2.06PM**

I don’t know why I did that. 

Dammit Shittykawa. 

**Saved voice note - 15.6.2017, 7.06PM**

The first actual sentence we’ve said to each other after roughly three years of radio silence ends up being… “What are you doig???”

Complete with a typo and no less than three question marks. 

_ Very  _ classy Iwa-chan. 

<recording ended>

**June 16 2017, 2.07PM**

Fuck.

  
  


FUCK

  
  


**June 16 2017, 12.07AM**

“Mean Iwa-chan!” With about a billion stupid emojis after that. Of course that’s how you’d reply. 

Still as annoying as ever. 

**Saved voice note - 15.6.2017, 7.08PM**

<a dry laugh in his voice> “I’d fly to Brazil just to knock that stupid smile off your face.” 

Threatening me with violence? Just like old times, huh?

<a laugh-- sudden, like it’s surprised by itself>

Does this count as a conversation?

**June 16 2017, 2.09PM**

Does this count as a conversation?

It’s been… a while. 

**Saved voice note - 15.6.2017, 10.10PM**

<a sigh, his voice is a murmur>

_ Dammit  _ Iwa-chan. 

You know… I thought I’d reshaped my entire life around Argentina. Reshaped it  _ without you.  _ I thought that I would spend almost all my life living in the past, talking to the version of you I left in Japan with the cruellest of goodbyes. 

But you’re here. Talking to me. 

I keep wanting to text you something. I don’t know what exactly… just,  _ anything.  _ How are your classes going? What are your new friends like? Did you ever send me that postcard you promised? Do you miss me? Do you want me? 

<a pause>

I keep… hovering over the keyboard. Typing then deleting. Saving to the drafts, never to be seen again. Kinda like these recordings, I suppose. I’m still playing the same game, this same old one-sided conversation. 

I thought this would be enough. I thought it would be okay to live with old guilt and what-ifs and being in love with the person you used to be. But… I mean this was barely  _ anything _ , barely five sentences when I’ve gone three years without talking to you. 

<a pause>

How did I even do that? Not talk to you for so long? Now that I have, even if it was barely a conversation… I don’t want to stop. I want to know you, the real you, the person that you are now. I want to… I… I want...

<recording ended>

**June 16 2017, 3.15AM**

This could be something. 

**Saved voice note - 17.6.2017, 5.04PM**

Okay. Okay. What the  _ hell  _ is up with chibi-chan? He’s a freaking  _ monster.  _ He’s…  _ god _ , I can see why Tobio is so obsessed with him… He’s crazy. Completely, utterly, crazy. 

But…

<a groan>

BUT he’s also endearing and happy and  _ nice  _ and you just… you can’t help but want to be around him. So we ended up spending the past few days together. He does beach now, you know? In addition to regular indoor training-- like I said,  _ crazy.  _ I thought I was doing something pretty controversial, playing in a foreign league right out of high school. But this… 

I have to respect him for it though. It couldn’t have been easy… 

<a pause>

He has a way of getting under your skin too. Not in a bad way, not at all, but he’s… persistent. And he’s so easy to talk to and I… um. I told him. Everything. 

Maybe I’m just making excuses for doing something I wanted to do anyway. I never told anyone about… us. About what happened after high school. And then about these… recordings. I never told a soul. They would probably make me face up to it, was my reasoning. They would force me to leave the past in the past, where it belonged, even though I… that would mean leaving you behind  _ for good,  _ and I just  _ couldn’t _ . 

But... Shouyou’s a good listener. I think I… I think I needed that. 

<recording ended>

**June 18 2017, 9.45PM**

Hey Tooru--

We haven’t really spoken since then. It was probably a one-time thing, probably because meeting Hinata was so absurd. It’s a miracle in itself. Enough to bring us back together for a couple of seconds. But no longer. 

That’s not even what I was planning on writing. Sorry about that. 

Anyway… heard back from a couple of internships. Didn’t get in. Hope your training is going better.

**July 1 2017, 6.29PM**

Hey Tooru--

You’re not the only one catching up with people.

**Saved voice note - 1.7.2017, 10.01PM**

Iwaizumi fucking Hajime if you think you can send me your shitty selfies with  _ Ushiwaka  _ of all people, and that I’m going to just let that slide then--

<a pause>

Fuck it. You started this, Iwa-chan.

<recording ended>

**July 1 2017, 7.30PM**

So. Let me get this straight. 

You see that selfie I send you. And apparently it fills you with so much blind rage, you  call me out of the blue, with no explanation or warning. To yell in my ear. For five minutes. About how I have disgraced your legacy, our friendship, and the “good name of the Aoba Johsai volleyball club”. 

And to tell me I  sucked at taking selfies.

That’s what happened, right? Right? 

**Saved voice note - 10.7.2017, 10.12PM**

You know… Shouyou really got me thinking. After I spoke to him, I mean. About what happened. About why we ended up the way we did…

I think we both wanted each other to be people we weren’t. You wanted me to stay the same. I wanted that of you, too-- and then, you weren’t. Of course you weren’t. I wasn’t either. We both ended up changing. It felt like I had let you down, by not upholding my side of the bargain. It felt like you had done that too. 

You promised me something constant, but constant wasn’t what I wanted-- or needed.

Iwa-chan you.. Our friendship… that was the constant for both our lives. As kids, then in middle school, in high school, I always had you. That never needed to change, there was no reason for it too. It never needed to adapt. Evolve. We’d been each other’s since the beginning, there was nothing to be learnt. 

I think that’s what made this so damn hard. The moving, I mean. The change. We promised we’d stay the same. 

<recording ended>

**August 12 2017, 11.54PM**

You’re insane Tooru. You’re so fucking

**August 13 2017, 1.05AM**

You’re going to be  here. In what, a week? You said that’s the soonest you’d be able to leave. 

You can’t just text me out of nowhere, all “Hey Iwa-chan, flying to California next week. Does that work for you?”

Like that was something you just  did, you just come over to visit every other month. Like it was always so… easy. 

Of course that works for me, dumbass. Of course I want you here.

**Saved voice note - 1.7.2017, 10.01PM**

If I don’t do this now, I never will. 

You’re  _ mine,  _ Iwaizumi Hajime. Don’t you forget it. You’re mine, so I have to at least try. 

<recording ended>

**August 13 2017, 4.15PM**

What was it? What changed? 

Why now?

There’s so many things I want to ask you. Questions I don’t have to hide away in notebooks and old memories. I can ask you, because you will be  here.

You’re going to be here. 

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. I am. It’s been so long, what if we’d forgotten how we worked when we were together. I know it’s not going to be easy, not right off the bat.

It might not work at all. We might just sit together in awkward silence until you leave and we go back to not saying a word to each other for years. 

**Saved voice note - 19.8.2017, 10.01PM**

Let me try again. And again, and again. I’m not going to get it right the first time, or the second. Maybe we will always be a work in progress, Iwa-chan. That’s okay. Just let me  _ try.  _

I’m leaving for the airport in a few minutes. See you soon.

<recording ended>

**August 20 2017, 2.10PM**

Two hours left. I’m going to pick you up from the airport. 

Here goes nothing. 

**Saved voice note - 20.7.2017, 10.01PM**

Your apartment’s nice. Just big enough for two. Good thing your roommate went home for the summer. 

Irvine’s a little colder than I’m used to. San Juan is always, always sunny. I don’t really mind though, it’s… nice. 

<a pause>

I’m scared. 

This was all such a… whirlwind idea. I was going to come here, fix things. It’s not that simple, it’s never that simple. I  _ knew  _ that…

Well, I meant it when I said I was going to try. 

<recording ended>

**August 20 2017, 10.02PM**

I mean. It could have been worse, right? 

You left about ten minutes ago… said something about fresh air, and not being sleepy yet. I guess we both need some alone time… to process.

We’re just circling around each other for now. Small talk and silence. The kind of thing I hate.  The kind of thing that made me stop calling in the first place.  But since you’re here, I guess there’s no escape. There’s too many things we haven’t said, and for too long… I don’t even know where to begin.

You’re here: sharing the same space, breathing the same air, living in the same time. And even if everything’s so… even if there’s all this  stuff between us, you’re here. I didn’t realize how much I missed you Tooru. I don’t know how I can ever want anything less.

**Saved voice note - 20.7.2017, 10.02PM**

By the way… I noticed you kept it. 

I gave it to you in our first year at Seijoh, before we’d started dating. The newest Godzilla collectible, limited edition. I woke up at five, and stood in line at six in the morning to get it. Yours was the last one they had in stock-- like the stars had aligned just for us. 

And the look on your face was worth it. 

<a quiet, nostalgic laugh>

You just… your eyes went all wide. You didn’t smile, but I saw your lips twitching, like you were forcing yourself not to say something. You held it so,  _ so,  _ gently. You looked at me and your entire face shone. You tried to speak then, but you -- <a giggle> I don’t think you could form a single word. I said something stupid then, about you being sppechless. Mostly to distract myself. 

Because you were looking at me like I’d hung the moon and… what was I supposed to do with that? Honestly, I just wanted to kiss you in the middle of the hallway. I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you, that I couldn’t even imagine  _ not _ being in love with you because I think I always have been. I was scared that it would be too much. 

It took me a couple months to work up to a confession… In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think a couple months would have made much of a difference. But for you, Iwa-chan? Even the smallest pieces, the smallest moments mean so much. 

I wish I’d been less scared when it came to you. Maybe then I would have done things differently. 

Ah! I’m rambling now… the point is, you kept it. Just that one. You had an entire collection back home, there were probably stuff you liked better, or things that looked cooler. But you kept mine. Even after we broke up, you kept  _ mine.  _

Maybe I’m making this sound more important than it is. 

<recording ended>

**August 21 2017, 11.13AM**

You still wake up earlier than I do. Whenever I slept over, it didn’t matter how early I woke up, you were always first. Usually dressed and eating breakfast too. 

Speaking of… you made breakfast today. Pancakes. Said it’s the least you could do since I was letting you stay with me. (What else could I have done? Did you expect me to toss you onto the street?)

We’re still… testing the waters I think. There was something different about you this morning, though. You weren’t as… delicate as you were yesterday. It felt like you took up more space, like you were making sure I  _ knew  _ you were back. 

Trust me, I know. 

**Saved voice note - 21.7.2017, 5.03PM**

I said I wished I was less scared. Turns out that’s easier said than done. 

<a sigh>

I’m flying back soon. We’re out of time. 

<recording ended>

**August 22 2017, 6.10AM**

You made breakfast again. You were gone by the time I woke up, I was worried it meant you were gonna take back everything you said last night… but you’d left a note. Said you went out for a jog. Just how early did you get up??

I’m not sure how long it will be till you get back, so I need to write this down quickly-- and I  have to write this down. To make sure it’s real. To make sure I remember. 

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.10AM**

Good morning Iwa-chan!

Talking to you as I run, again. Old habits die hard, don’t they? 

<silence, the sound of feet hitting the ground>

I’m sorry for leaving in the morning. I… I left a note, if that helps? I just thought that we… well, it’s good to start with a little space. Take things slow, for now. Waking up to each other after all  _ that _ … might be too much to start off with.

**August 22 2017, 6.10AM**

“We need to talk,” you said. You’d been so silent during dinner… I was just going to turn in for the night. But you pushed your chair back, scraping the floor, and stood up and said. 

“We need to talk.”

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.11AM**

I was scared I would leave without saying anything.

**August 22 2017, 6.11AM**

You looked down for a second. Then you looked up again, looked right at me and-- I’d forgotten how intense you could be, Tooru. I’d forgotten how you could just see right  through me. Maybe that’s why video calls never really worked out. They could never… no picture on a screen could capture that. 

You looked at me and you said, “I’m sorry.”

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.12AM**

You just froze up. And I thought,  _ Ah, I’ve done it now.  _ But I just kept going because… I  _ had  _ to…

**August 22 2017, 6.12AM**

“I’m sorry I stopped calling. I’m sorry I stopped texting. I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t want you, all because I was afraid.” 

“Afraid of what?”

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.12AM**

_ Distance _ , is what I said.  _ Distance and losing you.  _

So I told you I was sorry. Then I waited. Your move, Iwa-chan.

**August 22 2017, 6.12AM**

“I’m sorry too,” I think that’s what I said. It was never just you Tooru, I… I did the same. I let you go, and you let me go and we both hated ourselves a little for that. I’m sorry. 

“I was living in the past,” you said then. “I wanted things to be the way they always were…”

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.13AM**

“I wanted things to be the way they always were, but that was impossible.” 

I’d asked for us to do the impossible when I promised that we’d stay the same. It’s no wonder we fell apart. You said that you’d thought that too, that you hadn’t wanted anything to change. Said that we both asked for more than we could give. 

**August 22 2017, 6.13AM**

“I hardly know anything about your life in Argentina. I never asked because I…” I stopped there, I wasn’t sure how to phrase it. But you did. 

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.13AM**

“Because you were afraid of what you would find?” 

You nodded. And I knew, we’d been the same. We doubted each other, and ourselves. 

Then you said you wished you hadn’t been. You said, “I want to know you. All of you. The real you.” 

**August 22 2017, 6.13AM**

You laughed at that, saying I’d always known ‘the real you’. I just shook my head. You didn’t push it. 

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.13AM**

See… I knew what you meant, Iwa-chan. I’d constructed a version of you based off of memories, off of our past selves, and loved that instead… the rest was history. 

“I want that too,” I said. “I want to know the real you too. I want to  _ try. _ ”

**August 22 2017, 6.14AM**

And that’s all I ever wanted. 

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.14AM**

Another chance. We can do this as many times as it takes. 

**August 22 2017, 6.14AM**

You reached out then, took my hand in yours. 

Your fingers… I’d forgotten what they were like. Setter hands. You could make a miracle with them. 

But Tooru, I don’t think we need a miracle. 

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.15AM**

I’m not sure who started it, but then your arms were around me, my face was bored into your neck. I was tearing up, I think you were too. <a chuckle>

I was going to go back to my room -- or well, your roommate’s room -- but then…

**August 22 2017, 6.15AM**

“Stay,” I said. I didn’t let go of your hand. I didn’t want to. Or maybe I couldn’t. Same difference. 

“It’s been too long, Tooru. Stay close to me. Please.”

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.15AM**

You can deny it all you want, but you’re  _ mush _ deep down inside, Iwa-chan.

Your eyes looked so soft, so  _ vulnerable,  _ right then. But you were asking me to stay. You were asking me to never leave. 

That’s how I knew we would be okay. That was a promise I  _ could  _ make. 

**August 22 2017, 6.15AM**

We slept in my bed. You were wrapped around me. You still fit perfectly, like we’d never grown out of each other. You just held onto me. I didn’t let go of your hand. We didn’t do anything more than that. We didn’t need to. I fell asleep slowly… I almost didn’t want to. I wanted to stay up the whole night, just basking the feeling of you being here, being around me. Being in love with me. Still being in love with me. 

There’s no rush. There’s no time limit. This is only the beginning. We have all the time in the world. 

**Saved voice note - 22.7.2017, 6.25AM**

<a few beats of silence, feet hitting the ground slow, then come to a stop>

It seems like I’m back outside your apartment. I wonder if you’re up yet. 

This is… I know things aren’t completely fixed yet. I know that… this was just the start. But it  _ was  _ a start. It’s progress. It’s  _ change _ . I know we’re still going to make mistakes. I’m probably going to mess up at some point. Maybe even more than once. But that’s okay-- I’m not afraid of that anymore. I’ll rewrite our ending as many times as it takes, Iwa-chan. Again. Again. Again. 

<a pause>

You know… this might be the last time I record one of these. This might be the last time I talk to you…  _ this  _ you that is, the you I remember from high school. I’m through with living in my memories. 

Goodbye Iwa-chan. I love you. 

<recording ended>

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**June 20 2019, 2.17PM**

Hey Tooru. Been a while. 

I was kinda surprised to find this when I was unpacking. I thought I’d left all these notebooks in my apartment. Not sure how this one slipped in. This even has that postcard I never got around to finishing. 

I’m spending spring break with you, in San Juan. It’s still my first day here. You’ve promised to show me the sights, introduce me to your team, and to Blanco. It’s been… a really long time since I wrote you a letter. One I had no intention of sending, at least. But here we are. Kinda like how I started this whole thing in the first place. 

Maybe I’ll show you someday, but I don’t think I will. Some things are just… better left unsaid, right? 

You’re here now, after all. Banging on the door like a damn lunatic, telling me some tofu shop will be full if we don’t hurry up and leave.

Just give me a moment, Shittykawa. I’ll meet you there.

With Love, 

Iwaizumi Hajime


End file.
